When being masculine turns toxic
The pressure to be strong and courageous has given some men the wrong message about what it is to be masculine, writes Mark Lyndon-Jones
Mark Lyndon-Jones
As a men’s pastor, father to four sons and pops to three grandsons and two granddaughters, I’m concerned and fully alert to the cultural view of the male species.
Today’s social and mainstream media channels frequently describe a cultural backdrop of a ‘toxic masculinity’.
It’s a phrase that can make some of us guys flinch and self-reflect and perhaps consider how we as Christian men, husbands, fathers and brothers in Christ can respond without being defensive about being men made in God’s image who can demonstrate a more tender masculinity. Toxic masculinity could include emotionally distant men, denying or repressing their emotions to avoid looking ‘weak’, who feel they have to ‘toughen up’ when faced with adversity.
It can also manifest as hyper-aggressive behaviour, as the objectification of women, and as a belief fuelled by social media that violence is an acceptable way to solve problems. Toxic masculinity works against developing healthy relationships, and it is important that we strive to overcome these damaging behaviours and model a better way for the rising generations.
I’ve seen the consequences of a man’s behaviour on families whether constructive or destructive in nature. Psalm 78 reminds us that a man’s behaviour will affect potential future generations for good or bad.
Against this backdrop, some time ago I found myself as the only male speaker at a conference concerning violence against women – it was a humbling experience to share from a men’s pastor’s perspective.
As part of my research for the event, I was struck by an interview in which the musician/activist Sting was interviewed at the Printers Row Literature Festival about the meaning of manhood, where he made the following comment:
“I think in older and more primitive societies they had a ritualised form of ‘rites of passage’ where a boy would go through some survival adventure. We don’t tend to have that in modern society. It’s much more vague for adolescent men. How do we go from being boys to men? For me, becoming a man, paradoxically, is about the nature of how you relate to women. I think you’re really a man when you treat women well. When you integrate the elements of your psyche that were bequeathed to you by your mother – compassion, care, intuition, creativity – then you’re a man. Any society that doesn’t treat women well will never grow up.” – STING
In their journey to discover what becoming a real man is, teenage boys are often seeking the answer to this on social media channels that feature the language and behaviour of toxic masculine models.
So how can men be counter-cultural, demonstrating a ‘more tender masculinity’ but being true to the characteristics of strength and courage that God characterised us with, in the process teaching our sons, grandsons and Christian brothers a better way?
Christ’s example
In the first instance we can look at Christ. In his famous self-description, Jesus highlights his more tender masculine traits. Jesus said, “Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me (following me as my disciple), for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest (renewal) for your souls,” (AMP, Matthew 11:29). Jesus described himself as gentle and humble in heart.
For Christian men today the call is to strive to be like Jesus. It’s counter-cultural to live with a humble and compassionate heart, showing unconditional love and forgiveness to those around us. Here, Christ was referring to his compassionate, loving and self-sacrificing inclusive nature – not a sign of masculine weakness but of true strength harnessed by grace.
Biblical masculinity
Overall, the Bible paints a picture of masculinity that involves strength and courage in the face of difficulty, with examples such as Joseph and Daniel. These qualities help us to stand firm in our faith and trust in God to lead us through the most challenging of times. We are also reminded that, ultimately, what matters most is not the world’s perception of masculinity, but rather our faithfulness to God and our willingness to serve him.
Spiritual mentors
Bethel Church senior leader Bill Johnson spoke of the greatest crisis facing humanity as being ‘fatherless’ – not the lack of biological fathers but of ‘present’ fathers in families. The apostle Paul also spoke of the lack of father mentors in the faith: “Even if you had ten thousand guardians in Christ, you do not have many fathers, for in Christ Jesus I became your father through the gospel,” (1 Cor 4:15).
The Bible’s book of wisdom states: “The glory of young men is their strength, but the splendour of old men is their grey hair,” (Proverbs 20:29). This verse speaks of the strength that is associated with being a young man, and how wisdom in men SHOULD increase with our grey hair!
In our home, my wife and I have sought to model mutual love and respect, and believe this and the mutual practice of deliberate and intentional daily prayer (and sometimes fasting) over our sons has seen this model perpetuated through their families and hopefully through our grandchildren and future generations.
Self-care
Jesus said: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is: Love your neighbour as yourself” (Matt 22:38-39).
As Christian men, it’s important that we know how to treat others well, and know how to take care of ourselves physically, emotionally and spiritually. It is from our wholehearted relationship with God that we bring the needs of our body, soul and heart before him daily through meditating in the Word and prayer.
By grace and through the Holy Spirit we become more like Christ – not only gentle and humble in heart but also strong in the Lord, his wisdom and his mighty power. A more complete man in Christ you will not find.
Look out for the Elim MPower podcasts on this subject on all the usual channels or email: mpower@elim.org.uk
This article first appeared in Direction, Elim’s monthly magazine.
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